Fake AP Stylebook on Twitter

Usually, the twits who tweet on Twitter seem less like super-networked representatives of tomorrow's technology today and more like a small group of middle-aged ego-maniacs endlessly updating each other on daily minutiae while a story-starved media "reports" on the finer bits.

But, as in poetry, there are occasional gems. Like the Fake AP Stylebook. As a writer reluctantly bound to follow the Associated Press's thin and vague style guide, I found this quite helpful. Here are some choice examples:

Avoid the archaic term "lunatic." Specify whether the subject suffers from Hulkamania or Macho Madness.

Replace "situation deteriorated/worsened" with "shit [just] got real." Ex: On day three of the hostage crisis, shit got real.

While it’s tempting to call them ‘baristi’ because of the Italian roots, the plural of ‘barista’ is ‘journalism majors.’

Use ‘student’ to refer to college attendees, and ‘coed’ to refer to really hot students.

Robots should only be referred to by gender-neutral pronouns, no matter how sexy they may be.

If you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up. Nobody's reading your story anyway. Get over yourself.

When describing the subject of a story's "assets," be sure to make the next sentence, "You know what I'm talkin' about."

The plural of "vagina" is "vaginas." The plural of "penis" is gross, nobody wants to read about that.

Always capitalize 'Bible.' You don't want to get letters from those people.

Dates should be formated as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990 through 1992, which should be denoted in 'Hammer Time.'

Use the quintuple vowel to transcribe the utterances of small children, "Daaaaaddy, I waaaant a Pooooony!"

Since the 1986 edition, the plural of McDonald's is officially McDonaldses.

The word "boner” is not capitalized, regardless of size.

Use quotation marks to express skepticism: Cher’s “Farewell Tour,” Creed’s “Best Album,” Jay Leno’s “comedy.”